Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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