Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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