Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
