Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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