I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
