You can't special order awesome
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
