whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
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I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
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The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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