If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize