She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
