i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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