we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
