U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
