How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
