M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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