You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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