forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
