Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
