Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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