fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
