Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
