I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
