I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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