Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
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is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
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The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad