new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.