You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
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Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
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I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.