I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
