god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
