addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
is that a dick in a sweater?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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