we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
