fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
