My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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