if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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