I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
