well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
