Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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