Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
