New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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