I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
