You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
