its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
