I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My life is pants optional.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
