just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
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I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
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Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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