My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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