my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
