Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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