fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You may now shotgun with the bride
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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