Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
