You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
