Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
you will always have a special place in my vag
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
What a dumb baby whore.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
