is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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