You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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