WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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