He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
