I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
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you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
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So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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