I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Crop dusting thru forever 21
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
