Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
