I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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