It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
