This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
